Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
