You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
