i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
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There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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