It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize