I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
