OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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