My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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