Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
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Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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