I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
