You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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