I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
