He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
