hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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