Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
