Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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