she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
