I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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