Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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