Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You can't special order awesome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
