btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
