The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
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I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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