That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
