it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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