the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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