You really coming over, don't trick.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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