my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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