wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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