i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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