there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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