i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
