He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
