Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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