I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
