In America we eat man semen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
