You're completely useless in the revolution.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
