If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he thought i was a dude.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
