You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
