i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.