Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
