You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
