Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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