Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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