I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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