I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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