i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
