census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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