I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Two words: blizzard sex
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I touched a dick in church today
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
