But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up under a house in Key West
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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