I just cut my nipple shaving
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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