I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
