I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
