Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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