forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
