he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
