The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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