Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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