just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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