I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
