I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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