do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
