his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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